feeling down..
i write a lot of poetry when i get depressed….i am struggling alot right now with some issues…just wanted to share my work with you guys :)
its regarding an 8 year struggle with an eating disorder
its funny…its frustrating…its frightening…..its lonely….its all too ironic.
when you spend years with secrets, hiding who you are, denying the confrontations, refusing the help, ignoring the people who cared, putting a smile on for everyone except yourself.
there comes a time when you can’t hold it inside anymore. the fear, the anger, the helplessness that you feel has got to escape…it’s spilling out into your blood, its all you think about….you will be consumed.
but now there is no one there to hear you…no one left to listen, no one there to hold your hand. your in too deep. you spill your guts out, wishing, praying that someone will look into your eyes and give you the hope that you so desperately need. but it doesn’t come…
its when you want to change, when you want to get better, that you are left to fend for yourself. i’m just hoping…praying, that somewhere inside of me is the strength to fight a war. its a fight to the death…and knowing eyes watch me die inside everyday, if they only knew how much i needed them to care, maybe then i wouldn’t be counting the days till my defeat.
February 7th, 2010 at 6:35 am
Wow! This is really sad…but very expressive, in a good way! I hope you’re winning, or have won, your battle! Cheers! :)
February 9th, 2010 at 2:25 am
There is alot of truth in what you right. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with some issues right now but I think your poetry will help you get it out in the open which will be good for you.
February 9th, 2010 at 2:35 am
I’m sorry you are counting the days until your defeat. I don’t think you’re going to be defeated. I think you’re going to find happiness and live until your 106. I wish you would read a good book by a wood burning stove in a cabin in the mountains in Colorado. :) Take some time for yourself and don’t dwell on your anxieties and feelings of inadequacy.
July 17th, 2010 at 11:25 pm
I struggle with severe social anxiety/phobia as well as depression. I can tell you, it is no easy feat finding solace in the world when all hope is lost.
I cannot say that I have conquered my problems and overcame my fears, but I can tell you that from my experience (which is of all 22 years of my life), expressing your emotions is far more relieving than suppressing them. This may come in the form of poetry — as you have chosen, talking with others (family, friends, a psychiatrist, or even others, like myself, who are in a similar situation.
I came to this site for the porn (no pun intended; although the sentence is accurate on multiple levels). However, I honestly feel your poem has invoked in me a great respect for you… and anyone who can suck dick as well as you do is already highly respectable in my books :)
I know this post is rather old, but I’ve seen newer ones alike, and problems like this don’t disappear quickly. I hope you do overcome this depression, and I have faith that you will. Sometimes you want so badly to be loved by others that in failure you lose love for yourself; but always remember, you are great for who you are. Always look at the positives and never focus solely on the negatives. You’re young, in good physical health (and shape; I mean holy shit you are hot!), are apparently a good fighter, have friends who adore you, and fans who look up to you.
I welcome you to send me an email if you so desire; in fact, I would be honoured. I think our common background with depression may leave us with helpful information to share. My email is olsenn@gmail.com.
All the best,
Nick
December 4th, 2010 at 4:15 pm
I struggle with depression at times. It’s weird that i was bashing one out, then read your blog and thought ‘shit thats what im thinking!’
Porn stars are people too. hahaa! Wow. You have a great life, LA sounds amazing. Be safe in the knowledge that you are bringing happiness to a lot of people. X
Seán
March 7th, 2011 at 1:33 am
This may be a little late cass just found your website. I don’t know what eating disorder you had but I know beautiful ladies when I see them and you are so beautiful just perfect. I absolutely love all your scenes especially your blow bang nes you always seem so genuinely happy when sucking large groups of men off and eating every last drop of sperm. Please always be happy and when your down suck cock be proud of what you do it is awesome watching beautiful ladies who are not shy about hardcore sex, rock on case!!!